Can You Turn Christmas Tunes Into HR Policies?

Posted on by

As it’s December and because I always write something a little light-hearted for the festive season, this year I’ve chosen some Christmas songs for you! I hope you enjoy how I’ve managed to turn them into HR policies.

Here is the Christmas Top Ten:

Providing tidings of comfort and joy on your business travels far and wide, you are allowed up to £XX per evening meal and a hotel room with breakfast in one of our preferred hotel chains. If you need to stay in Bethlehem, we know of a good Inn where you can sleep in a perfectly comfortable manger. But please don’t feed the oxen.

When the weather outside is frightful, we ensure the car parks and pathways are all gritted. The lights are turned down low to help you see your way safely in the snow. Let it snow, let it snow. There will be no corn for popping for health and safety reasons.

We want you to let your hearts be light and to be a little merry at Christmas, but please drink responsibly. We also believe in making the Yule-tide gay for all, in an accepting and inclusive way in order that our troubles will be miles away.

We don’t want a lot for Christmas, there’s just one thing we need. And that’s your attendance during normal office hours after the Christmas party. Please make our wish come true. All we want for Christmas is you. Anyone calling in sick the next day may be disciplined. Baby.

Please remember to keep your personal mobile phones on silent during working hours. Employees need to work in heavenly peace where all is calm. If your mobile does ring during office hours, you will receive a heavenly HR host singing ‘Alleluia’, and it will not be radiant or glorious. 

If anyone is seen kissing anyone under the mistletoe, let alone Santa, they will be disciplined. We do not encourage personal relationships, even if it is only tickling under a snowy white beard. 

We do not tolerate bullying. A colleague may have a very shiny red nose, but there is no excuse for laughing and calling him names. We are an inclusive and caring company, respecting the differences that everyone gives from all nationalities, ethnic backgrounds, sexualities and religions. Therefore, a nose so bright can guide others through the fog and snow.

On the occasions when your hardware or software needs attention, please see the big man in a chair with little tiny men everywhere. He’s the man with all the toys … err, equipment and IT knowledge. 

Your company car is for business use only. However, you are permitted to drive home for Christmas, to see those faces. You will be there. If you run a red light or any other motoring offence, you will have to pay the fine and have the points on your licence. Safe driving in (y)our car.

When a new-born king … err, supplier … comes to visit offering their finest gifts, it is our policy to respectfully turn them down. Gifts could be perceived as bribery. Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum. Years from now, perhaps we’ll see the day of glory where we can work in peace – without the gifts. Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum.

We hope you enjoyed both the silliness and the links to the real songs. If you need any serious HR advice over the festive period, please do get in touch.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas and all good wishes for a prosperous 2020.